Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Oh life

Forgive me while I go into Carrie Bradshaw mode, but sometimes a girl just wants to write. As I look back at my blog, I've come to the realization that I so tentatively tip-toe around what I'm truly feeling. Maybe I'm afraid that I'll be tuned out or become vulnerable or maybe I'm honesty afraid to even admit to myself my own worries and insecurities.

Eight months ago, in early December, I broke up with my boyfriend of 2.5 years on my journey to find myself. I knew it was the right thing to do, and still do, despite the pain that I caused both of us. But as I sit here nearly a year later, my self-discovery still hasn't quite hit me. Its lead me to a different city, one where I have no family or best friends and even no permanent job. Although I know in my heart that this has been the best (and only thing) that I've ever done for myself, some days I still question my own motives and His. Here I am, 15 hours away from my best friend, 13 hours away from my dad and at least 8 hours away from my mom and I'm struggling to find myself in a city that's, some days, still completely foreign. Did I come to a big, new city because deep down I knew it would be a distraction from my tumultuous thoughts? Maybe. But lately, even this fast-paced new world hasn't been enough to outrun myself.

I recently finished the book Riding the Bus with My Sister and some parts of it hit just a little too close to home. Namely the fact that I, like the main character, have a tendency of bogging myself down with tasks, jobs and structure in order to skirt around the worries that pervade my thoughts and tickle my emotions. But faster and faster I'm coming to the all too obvious conclusion that I will never have everything perfectly scheduled out to fit in my ideal life plans. Sometimes you don't land the job of your dreams. Sometimes you pour your heart out only to realize that old adage "If you love something let it go, If it comes back to you it's yours, If it doesn't, it never was" is true after all.

And sometimes, you just have to have a little faith.


jlmargs said...

Self discovery never quite hits you... and I think I might be dissappointed if it did. My experience has been that self discovery is at times a hellacious ride...but just keep holding on, the twists and turns and loopdy loos make it worth while :) Glad you liked my post, I had to go back and edit it as I am in complete DENIAL if I don't own up to the fact that Colin Farrell is somewhere towards the top of my list.

Dmbosstone said...

First off, I too at first had the same insecurities about truly showing my true colors on my blog. But I eventually grew more comfortable as I saw that my friends and audience were there to support me and often could relate to what I was feeling.

I'm also eight hours away from my family and home- but I'm so glad to have found friends and confidants here, I really hope that in this big city you find some people that you can live, laugh, and love with.

I hope you too learn not only about who you are but that getting lost is part of the journey.

Valérie said...

I guess you're right in the middle of what specialists call a quaterlife crisis. I recommend you to read "20 something 20 everything" by Christine Hassler. That's a really good book on this topic.

My advice would be to stop thinking you have to find yourself though. It sounds like a lot pressure. Life is more about creating yourself. Just try to do things that are interesting you and be happy in your present life. Then, everything will fall into place. That's what I'm believing in and it feels so good to know you don't have to be in a permanent quest for yourself: you only have to be and that's pretty much it.

hope that helps a little! Thanks for approving my request on Linkedin!